Relationship coach, matchmaker, and author Aleeza Ben Shalom is best known for her role as the matchmaker on the 2023 Netflix reality series Jewish Matchmaking. On social media, her brand is perky with a side of humor. Her advice on how long to keep dating someone before you decide that he or she is not for you is “Date ’em till you hate ’em,” which has become her catchphrase.
Before her breakout role on Netflix, Ben Shalom published two books about dating: Get Real Get Married: Get Over Your Hurdles and Under the Chuppah (2013); and Virtual Dating: Your Guide to a Relationship in a Socially Distanced World (2020).
In her latest book, Matchmaker Matchmaker: Find Me a Love That Lasts, Ben Shalom uses the vehicle of 11 client stories to share tips and dating advice, such as the difference between good fights when “two people are trying to build something but just need some help communicating about the best way to do it” and bad fights “when two people actively try to hurt each other and tear each other down.”
This structure works brilliantly because humans are wired to relate to stories. At the beginning of each chapter, she reveals some of the concerns that arise in her preliminary work with a client, and then provides an analysis of the couple’s dates – what worked and what needs improvement.
Each chapter includes lots of dialogue, both between Ben Shalom and each client, and between her client and the person he or she was matched with, which adds to the book’s story-telling style. Her writing is extremely approachable and not at all pedantic.
The book is filled with nuggets of relationship wisdom, such as “If you date like a two-dimensional character, you’re going to have a two-dimensional relationship”; and “Overthinking is what gets daters into trouble.” She emphasizes the importance of knowing oneself and one’s limiting beliefs about what an ideal partner looks like.
Ben Shalom also breaks down stereotypical thinking about how love actually comes into our lives and identifies it as something that needs to be cultivated.
Each chapter ends with a quick summary of tips that were introduced through that chapter’s couple.
With its echo of the iconic song from Fiddler on the Roof, the title Matchmaker Matchmaker perfectly captures the Jewishness of Ben Shalom’s approach. Although she is religious and lives in Israel, the clients she profiles in this book are generally Jews who aren’t ritually observant or even particularly connected to their heritage.
One of the ways this plays out is when she teaches her clients the principle of Jewish dating behavior known as shomer negiah (refraining from physical contact before marriage) – not because Jewish law requires it but because it makes logical sense. Ben Shalom obviously doesn’t expect her clients to observe these laws as strictly as Orthodox Jews who don’t touch at all, but she is able to translate the value of the concept for her less observant clients.
“When you’re just beginning to build a relationship, touch is often more of an obstacle than a help,” the relationship coach and matchmaker says. “If you introduce it without taking the time to develop an emotional bond, you can trick yourself into believing there’s a deeper connection than there is. It’s why, even after dating someone for weeks, months, or even years, a person may think they share real intimacy with their partner when, in reality, they might not know them at all.”
A wise friend
I’ve been married for almost three decades, and I still found the book engaging. Reading Matchmaker Matchmaker feels like having a chat with a wise friend who genuinely wants to help. And although her work as a matchmaker is about bringing couples together, much of the relationship wisdom she shares is relevant to existing couples who would like to stay together.
Matchmaker Matchmaker is a relatively quick read, but don’t be misled by Ben Shalom’s breezy, chatty style. There is much wisdom packed into these pages.
Whether you’re Jewish or not, new to dating or a veteran in the field, married or wanting to be: If you desire to be in a great relationship, Matchmaker Matchmaker is for you.
The writer is a freelance journalist and expert on the non-Jewish awakening to Torah happening in our day. She is the editor of Ten from the Nations and Lighting Up the Nations.