Every one of Taylor Swift's previous boyfriends has been one extremely dedicated Mossad agent in increasingly complex disguises, the intelligence agency confirmed this morning.
Agent Yonatan Meir sat down with The Jerusalem Roast to discuss his 15-year-long mission by Swift's side, a blank space in his career that he's finally ready to fill.
The operation began in 2008 and was initially meant to be a short-term surveillance operation, but it quickly spiraled into the agency's most elaborate long-term undercover assignment to date.
"It was the best of times, the worst of crimes, my job was to observe America's newest icon for six months, gather intelligence on celebrity influence patterns," Meir explained. "But after my first cover identity—let's call him 'Mr. Boy Band' — successfully established contact, Tel Aviv saw potential for a deeper operation."
Taylor's meteoric rise to stardom led Meir's superiors to decide that more intel was needed, and some interesting theories were developed.
"The 'Iranian drone prototype' rumors were terrible and cruel, and most of them weren’t even true,” he explained. “Some analyst misunderstood when I said Swift was 'mechanically precise' with her touring schedule and 'algorithmically efficient' in writing songs.”
Meir confirmed that Swift is indeed 100% human, just extraordinarily talented. "Though I will say, her ability to function on what appeared to be minimal sleep during album launch weeks did trigger our biometric analysis protocols more than once, and her ability to precisely hit high notes while performing complex choreography even made me start to wonder," he added.
Meir detailed the moment his cover was blown in early 2023, when Swift caught him.
"I’m not the one who tore us apart. She walked in on a strategy meeting between me and her head of security, Erez Tor," he said. "She just stood there with me in the doorway, and said 'I knew you were trouble when every boyfriend had the same habit of eating halvah before bed.'”
And all the pieces fall right into place
Swift was smart enough to connect the dots between all the seemingly different men, he continued.
"Between us, I think she suspected something years earlier. No one writes that many specific breakup songs without noticing patterns, like how all her exes wore the same cologne, or that they all somehow knew the lyrics to Hatikvah," he said.
Meir admitted that he does have one regret about how his mission ended, aside from his hundred thrown-out speeches.
"Missing the Eras Tour was the biggest disappointment of the entire operation," he said. "All those years undercover, and I exit right before the most comprehensive retrospective of my work?"
“I had a private bet with my handler that 'Fall 2012 Identity' would get at least three songs," he laughed.
Unfortunately, while Mossad initially offered to send Meir to a show as a concert attendee, it was ultimately deemed too risky, fearing that Swift had become too perceptive.
"I watched grainy livestreams like everyone else, I loved the show,” he said.
“She -- by which I mean, this mission -- was the best thing that's ever been mine.”