Disbelief is an understatement for Hagit and Ruby Chen, whose son Itay was taken hostage on October 7 by Hamas, and later declared dead in absentia. Upon hearing the news of their son’s death, the pair found themselves wondering if they should even believe the news.
Rabbis told them that they could sit shiva, the Jewish practice of mourning, but the family declined: Bring our son back, and we’ll cross that bridge when we come to it.
Since the legal declaration of his death nearly a year ago, the family has continued its fight to bring Itay and the remaining hostages home, held now for 503 days. Still, whether accepting or denying the statements delivered by Israeli, German, and US officials – countries in which the Chen family holds citizenship – the family has been living with a hazy grief.
The Hostages and Missing Families Forum released a report ahead of the return of the four bodies on Thursday that delved into the phantom grieving experience that faces the families of those whose loved ones’ bodies are held hostage.
It focused on the profound psychological and physical toll on families of hostages declared deceased, who are trapped in a cycle of persistent trauma, interrupted mourning, and extended uncertainty.
Authored by Dr. Einat Yehene, senior rehabilitation psychologist for the Hostages and Missing Families Forum, and Prof. Hagai Levine, head of the health team at the forum, the report was developed following a series of interviews with affected families. The interviews, conducted among 17 affected families, revealed severe deterioration, anxiety, post-traumatic stress symptoms, sleep disturbances, and health disturbances among present issues. Coping with and resuming daily life, such as working or school, becomes significantly harder.
Yehene noted that the traumatic bereavement families in this situation are experiencing is unique.
“They were told their loved ones were deceased based solely on intelligence reports, without forensic confirmation. This has left many in a state of chronic uncertainty, prolonging their hope and complicating the grieving process,” Yehene said.
“Some were even asked to sit shiva and observe mourning rituals, only to later receive conflicting information that disrupted their ability to grieve and find closure. Many families are still unable to accept the loss because they were never given the chance to see, to touch, or to say a final goodbye.”
Yehene emphasized that without an actual way to close a chapter, a tangible farewell with a grave or monument of the family’s choosing, the families hold onto hope which prevents them from moving forward.
Family suffering
Levine said the situation doesn’t only present a psychological crisis, but a public health emergency.
“These families are mentally imprisoned, their health is deteriorating, and their ability to function has been severely impaired. The only remedy is to bring their loved ones home,” he said.
“We are already seeing the devastating impact – families suffering from emotional burnout, physical illness, and the inability to return to normal life,” he said. “The pain of not knowing, the inability to fully mourn, is a form of ongoing psychological torture that must end.”
For the Chens – Ruby, Hagit, and their children – they’re still in disbelief.
“My sons go to school and can’t focus, it’s hard for us to get through the day,” Itay’s mother, Hagit, said.
Early in the war, Ruby developed a case of the shingles, which temporarily left him with blisters on his face and an eye patch amid the grief. The ailment was brought on by extreme stress and duress – an understatement for the experiences of a parent dealing with the uncertainty of his son’s fate.
THE MOTHER of the American citizen elaborated on her feelings.
“I have dreams of Itay. I see him waving to me from the Red Cross van, coming home to me,” she said.
“Every morning we wake up and try to find new ways to bring Itay back. Our days are filled with meetings, calls to officials in the US and Germany, anything that can help. But as long as we don’t have proof, we cannot start mourning.”
Lack of closure
Hagit noted that with other forms of loss, such as the death of her father, came with closure.
“I buried my father. I sat shiva for him. I have a grave to visit. But I have no proof that my son is gone,” she stated. “Until I do, I cannot grieve. I dream of him coming back. That is the only version I can accept.
“I know people look at us with pity, thinking he probably won’t come back alive, but we are not sure of that. And as long as we are not sure, we cannot grieve. We live in an unbearable limbo, unable to let go yet unable to hold on. The world may have moved on, but for us, time has stopped.”
The report also highlighted humanitarian concerns, including Hamas’s disregard for the treatment of the dead and likely lack of preservation. Levine said families awaiting the return of their relatives for proper burial will also have to go through a grueling wait in which they have to stand by for confirmation that the body identified is actually that of their loved one.
The families did not receive adequate communication, with some expressing that Israeli officials have made limited contact, if any at all. Funerals for the murdered who have been returned to Israel have been sparsely attended by the political leadership, if any at all. The apparent disregard from national leaders has left grieving families feeling abandoned once more.
In a panel on the matter, experts emphasized a need for clearer protocols for determining the status of deceased captives and are pressuring government officials for transparency regarding methods used to confirm deaths.
They also called for continued efforts to return hostages, both alive and deceased, so families can properly grieve and rehabilitate. They also urged sensitive media coverage and called to avoid sensationalism and propaganda – to protect the families and let them find out from official channels.
Lack of information
While living through the traumatic time away from their son, Ruby and Hagit Chen have also dealt with a lack of information. The lack of clear investigation efforts into his believed death has left the family shaken and on an ongoing hunt for answers.
Family members of legally declared deceased hostages have called on media outlets to report on the return of deceased hostages with sensitivity and respect. This includes avoiding live footage of caskets and focusing on each hostage’s legacy rather than the specifics behind their deaths.
Families of other hostages, whether slain in captivity or killed on October 7 and held captive, have been put in an impossible situation. The families of Omer Neutra, Inbar Haiman, Shlomo Mantzur, and many others have been tasked with grasping a fate that still seems unreal. They cannot properly mourn until they have their loved one in their custody, laying them to rest with the humanity that Hamas denied them.