Speaking at The Jerusalem Post’s Israel Summit, Aleeza Ben Shalom, host of the popular Jewish Matchmaking series on Netflix, said it is essential that couples have a ‘we’ mindset in order to succeed. “Being marriage-minded means that we are ‘we-centered’ and ‘we-focused.’ It is not about ‘I’,” she said while being interviewed by Tamar Uriel-Beeri, managing editor of jpost.1eye.us.
Responding to Uriel-Beeri’s query as to what she advises people who are looking for a match, Ben-Shalom said, “What I want to know is what you bring to the table. Who are you, and what do you offer? To me, that is so much more valuable than knowing what you want.”
Ben Shalom explained that Jewish matchmaking is unique because couples need to understand their respective positions on the spectrum of Jewish observance. “We are so nuanced and such a unique people,” she said. You can’t just find someone Jewish, and it will just work, if we don’t know where you are on the Jewish spectrum, from how you like to observe your holidays or if you observe your holidays, do you pray, or how often you pray. If we don’t understand those things, we can’t make a good match. We have to know how our Judaism aligns and where those similarities are.”
Biblical inspiration
She said that she derives some of her inspiration for matchmaking from the biblical Eliezer, Abraham’s servant, who was sent to find a match for Isaac, Abraham’s son. Recalling that Eliezer asked God for a sign to help him find the appropriate match for Isaac, Ben Shalom said, “We all ask for a sign. We want to know how we know this is the right match.”
Ben Shalom had to provide the Netflix team with some basic information about Judaism. Chuckling, she said, “I had to give them a taste of Judaism so that they could understand not just how we operate in matchmaking but within filming.” Filming could not be conducted on Shabbat, and she provided them with a list of the other Jewish holidays as well. Ben Shalom also explained the basics of kashrut so that she could maintain a mini-kosher kitchen in her Airbnb during filming, and she informed them that she doesn’t shake hands with men. “They were responsive and supportive,” she said.
Ben Shalom said that non-Jews can also gain valuable insights into relationships from her show, despite its title. She points to the ‘Five-Date Challenge’ as one example. “We talk about touching,” she said. “I am all for physical touch, and we need it, but when we touch bodies before we touch hearts or souls, and when we don’t connect from the inside and we only connect from the outside, it is a fail. I try to give people the ‘Five-Date Challenge.’ Don’t touch for five dates. I want to know that for five dates, you like the human that is there. When that happens, I know that both sides are interested, because there is no one that is sticking around for five dates without physical touch. This is not just for Jewish dating. It is for anyone in the world. They can learn from this way of dating and simplify a process and get through it much faster.”