In Israel today, it’s becoming harder to ignore Valentine’s Day. Our social media and inboxes overflow with sales offers, as our malls match those across the Diaspora, filled with heart-shaped trinkets and romantic promotions reflecting the universal celebration of love.
Although all relationships inevitably have ups and downs, celebrating the positive is important, whether on Valentine’s Day, an anniversary or any other special day. People invest in chocolate, flowers, sunset walks, and other romantic gestures. Those are all nice.
However, I would like to leverage the day’s ubiquity to suggest another idea: surprising your partner with a romantic signature that will last you a lifetime. A signature ensuring that no matter what happens to your relationship in the future, you both commit that you will never use unsanctioned means to control one another and that you will always safeguard one another’s right to freedom and, hopefully, happiness.
The romantic signature I refer to is a halachic prenuptial agreement. Whether you are newly engaged or have already broken the glass and married according to the Law of Moses and Israel, this document ensures that should the marriage end, neither spouse will use Jewish law to trap the other. It’s a binding promise to grant or accept a get – the Jewish divorce document – preventing either partner from being chained to a failed marriage.
In Jewish law, marriage is a sacred bond entered into with mutual consent. Similarly, divorce requires the consent of both parties. Unfortunately, conflicts during divorce can spiral out of control, leaving one partner refusing to cooperate and the other effectively imprisoned in a relationship they wish to leave. This is particularly significant in the State of Israel, where marriage and divorce are conducted exclusively according to religious law.
Why a prenup?
AS SOMEONE who works for an organization that advocates daily for women who have been refused a divorce, I can attest to the terrible toll of being denied freedom. Beyond the emotional pain, it is almost always accompanied by great helplessness and loss of control over life, creating serious hardship for the trapped individual as well as any children.
Unfortunately, in difficult divorce proceedings, the conflict often snowballs into gigantic proportions. Men and women find themselves in situations they could not ever have imagined when they stood joyously under the wedding canopy.
My mantra is that if you cannot save the marriage, at least save the divorce.
This means striving for dignity and kindness, even at the hardest of times.
How does one do that? The first step is to make a decision at the beginning of the marriage – when love is strong – that no matter what happens down the road, the couple will be committed to each other’s honor, and anchor that decision in a legal, halachic prenuptial agreement.
A halachic prenup is more than just a legal safeguard; it’s a profound statement of trust and respect. On a day that celebrates love, like Valentine’s Day (for those who celebrate) or an anniversary, consider starting this conversation with your partner. Over flowers, chocolates or a dinner out, pledge to protect each other’s dignity and freedom, regardless of what the future holds.
My husband and I signed the Halakhic Agreement for Mutual Respect after more than 20 years of marriage. We did it partly because we wanted to convey a message to our children, but unexpectedly, it was a deeply emotional evening for us, too. Over a glass of red wine, we reaffirmed that every moment we live together is a choice, made of love and mutual respect.
With his characteristic sense of responsibility, my husband didn’t stop with signing the halachic prenup. He also signed a shtar harsha’a l’get, authorizing rabbis to serve as his agents in granting me a Jewish divorce if he becomes incapacitated, ensuring I could never be left an agunah – a “chained woman.” He also updated his life insurance policy, just in case... and encouraged me to move on if the unimaginable occurred. These conversations, while difficult, felt like getting married all over again, deepening our love through honesty and mutual care.
Let’s redefine how we celebrate love. Let it include promises of dignity, freedom, and respect – gifts far more lasting than roses or chocolates. As romantic gestures go, few things are as meaningful as ensuring that love remains a choice, and that our loved one’s freedom is always protected.
The writer is director of Yad La’isha: The Monica Dennis Goldberg Legal Aid Center for Agunot, a division of the Ohr Torah Stone network. The Halakhic Agreement for Mutual Respect can be downloaded at www.haheskem.org.il.