While we are thrilled to see our beloved hostages returning home, our joy has been tempered by the horrific events of the past 16 months and our fear of what the future might hold.
Given the complex traumas that we have been through, individually and collectively, it feels as though, at best, we have only been in the early stages of grieving.
The war has been long and intense, which has prolonged and delayed our ability to grieve. While throughout we have been experiencing a mix of emotions, including fear and sadness, we are finally beginning to move forward with some moments of hope and quiet.
The balance is beginning to shift more toward moments of healing and signs of post-traumatic growth with our beloved hostages coming home and the tenuous ceasefire. In spite of our many losses, there are wonderful stories that continue to come out of the war, a myriad of almost superhuman achievements by our soldiers and security personnel. And as a society, we have learned and come to value our resilience and solidarity – being there for one another in ways not appreciated before.
Holding all of these feelings and mixed emotions at once has been extremely difficult, and our mental health tells us that this is untenable in so many ways. In addition, our physical health has been screaming “Pay attention,” as so many people are experiencing aches and pains, an unusually difficult flu season, the resurfacing of COVID, and the presence of other illnesses.
Our resistance is low, and our bodies are in need of attention. Yet there is a sense of lethargy and a feeling that while little has changed, everything is different.
Stopping for a moment to evaluate what might be going on and giving ourselves permission to take a healthy break may be just what we need in order to move forward. The time has come for us to begin to heal as individuals and as a nation if we are to have a shared and meaningful future together.
With this in mind, below are some suggestions for moving forward.
Converse with your body
You may have ignored your body when it has been trying to talk to you, and you inadvertently made your symptoms worse. How are you feeling? Do you have pain and if so, where?
You may be experiencing pain in your shoulders, neck, and/or head, from tension. You may notice back pain, eye strain, and/or discomfort in your wrists and hands, from too much time on the computer. Your stomach may be bothering you because of unhealthy food choices.
Are you getting to bed at a reasonable hour? Do you fall asleep easily and sleep through the night? Do thoughts keep you awake at night? Are you up before your alarm goes off, feeling refreshed? Or do you wake up exhausted and in a fog?
Your energy levels could be affected by what you eat and how you sleep. If your physical needs are not being met, what can you change?
Assess your emotional needs
Give yourself mental health breaks. Everyone is carrying so much stress at the moment. Depression and anxiety are at an all-time high. What helps you and what makes it worse?As part of a nation of news junkies, do you personally think you need to know what is going on in real time or can you titrate what you expose yourself to?
Permission to silence your phone
Especially at mealtimes, near bedtime, and on Shabbat, give yourself permission to turn off your phone and television and avoid exposure to horrific images and stories.
While you may be hyper-vigilant with respect to what is going on around you, you could benefit greatly by allowing yourself to take a break from social media and do things that you enjoy. While it is very hard to shut down the constant refreshing of news, news, it takes you away from feeling connected to others. Attend to healthier and more pleasant things: By allowing yourself to reset your nervous system you will be much less likely to absorb the collective trauma of those around you. Sadly, you cannot unsee what you have seen but only work to reframe it.
Activities that bring joy
Evaluate your personal, professional, and family life as you review how you might be able to make changes in each of these areas in order to give your life greater meaning, balance, and joy.
Nature, an excellent healer
Get out into the sunlight, breathe in fresh air, take a walk and notice life around you. These are huge gifts which, if appreciated, can help you recharge and bring calm to your nervous system. Try pretending, for example, that you are on a walk with a two-year-old child who is filled with excitement and awe. Allow yourself to slow down and notice even the smallest things such as an ant, the fluffiness of a cloud, a pretty flower, and even the shape of leaves on the sidewalk. Look up, down, and all around as you ground yourself in the here and now. Stop long enough to be mindful as you let yourself soak it all in.
Take a break at home
Whether it is a longer shower, a bubble bath, or sitting with a hot cup of cider and a book, give yourself permission to “be.” Play an instrument or pick up a paintbrush; relax and tune out the world.
Reaching out to people
Friends can enhance your mood and lessen your stress. Meet for coffee or lunch or take a walk with someone and appreciate that you are there for each other. Connection in this time may mean stepping out of your comfort zone and reaching out to those you have not seen for a while.
Volunteering and giving back
Whether it’s volunteering for a day to pick vegetables, helping at an army base, giving an hour to visit someone shut in at home, helping out the elderly with errands, or making a pot of soup for a new mom or a bereaved family, you may discover that this motivates you, providing a sense of purpose.
Focus on the positive
We have so much to be thankful for. While, of course, you have to find a way to acknowledge and work through your pain, making space in your heart for joy and happiness is essential. Now, more than ever, it is important to appreciate and be deeply grateful for our soldiers, our country, our family, and our loved ones. Make sure that they know how you feel.
For the past 16 months, every one of us has been incredible in all that we have achieved. The more good that you notice, the better you will feel. It may seem strange and even uncomfortable to hold onto both your pain and fear on the one hand and the appreciation for, and joy of, the blessings and miracles that have also emerged, on the other.
Letting go of anger and pain can help us move forward with forgiveness and caring. This in itself will help you be happier and find the strength to heal. In strengthening ourselves, we can be there for each other. We are a community and a country that care deeply.
We must work to leave behind our trauma, and focus on new beginnings. In doing so, we grow together and add greater meaning to our lives.
The writer is a licensed clinical psychologist in private practice in Ra’anana, specializing in trauma, grief, and bereavement. She is the author of Life’s Journey: Exploring Relationships – Resolving Conflicts and has been writing about psychology in The Jerusalem Post since 2000. ludman@netvision.net.il; drbatyaludman.com