In Ki Tetze, we learn about many commandments. Of all the parshiot in the Torah, this portion contains the highest number of commandments – 74 out of 613. These commandments deal with various aspects of a person’s life, from laws of warfare to clear social commandments, like the return of lost items, and even basic safety laws, such as the commandment to install a railing on the roof – a mitzvah explicitly stated in the Torah.
Topics discussed in the portion include marriage and divorce. This subject begins with the words “When a man takes a wife,” from which the sages derive the requirement for a formal acquisition that gives legal status to the marital bond, often symbolized by the giving of a ring. Of course, when we speak of acquisition in the context of marriage, it does not refer to a financial transaction. A man cannot sell his wife or regard her as property. Rather, it is a symbolic act that establishes the relationship as a fact that cannot be disputed.
We live in a generation where the question “Why get married?” is not uncommon. In the United States, for example, recent statistics show that about 30% of the adult population has never been married. This is not a new phenomenon in history. When Maimonides opens the laws of marriage in his monumental work Mishneh Torah, he writes:
“Before the giving of the Torah, a man would meet a woman in the market, and if he and she agreed to marry, he would bring her into his home and consummate the relationship privately, and she would become his wife. Once the Torah was given, the people of Israel were commanded that if a man wishes to marry a woman, he must first ‘acquire’ her before witnesses, and then she becomes his wife.”
A romantic relationship without a formal commitment is not a modern invention. However, the Torah does not view such a relationship favorably and demands that the couple marry to give the relationship formal status and commitment.
Why is this so important?
WHEN WE think about relationships, it is something almost incomprehensible, bordering on the absurd. Two free individuals form a deep bond that requires them to compromise, sometimes surrender significant desires, or fulfill them in ways different from what they had envisioned. Why do people do this?
The answer lies in parashat Bereishit (Genesis), where God says, “It is not good for man to be alone”; humans need partnership. The emotional need for a relationship drives us to form these bonds. We are willing to pay significant prices to gain the emotional satisfaction that comes from a committed relationship.
But is it easy? Do the shared lives of two people always proceed smoothly? No mature person would answer that affirmatively. A relationship requires constant investment, thought, emotional intelligence, attention, and more. This investment is not always easy, and the positive results are not always immediately visible.
The way a person can gather the emotional strength to invest in a relationship is through commitment. A relationship without commitment, one that has not been formalized through marriage, a relationship in which one person always keeps one foot out the door, will not yield the desired outcome. For long-term loyalty between partners, more than good intentions are required. Commitment is necessary – a bond that cannot be easily broken.
When a person is committed – and this applies not only to relationships but to other aspects of life – he finds within himself the ability to invest and exert effort. The greater, more focused, and better the investment, the better and more satisfying the results.
Those who understand this need no further explanation of the difference between a relationship without marriage and a relationship that has gained the legal and emotional commitment of marriage.■
The writer is the rabbi of the Western Wall and Holy Sites.